I am not myself

Let me be very transparent here. I am not ok.

These past few weeks have been an emotional struggle. I do think going back to work a week after giving birth was a mistake (I’m saving my leave for when Xay comes home). Granted I do work from home, I just have not been able to focus. I thought it would be a good distraction since if I did take leave I would just be logging in anyway due to boredom. Now I’m just stressed. Work, selling our condo, closing on our new home, preparing to move all while driving back and forth to the hospital everyday to see the baby has stretched me as far as I can go. I don’t get much sleep due to pumping every 3 hours. Even started skipping my 4am sessions so I could get just a little bit more sleep in.

Seeing my son get angry or sick just hurts me to my core. I feel helpless and all I can do is talk to him or just lay my hands on him. I can only hope that he really knows that Leonard and I are always here for him. Our skin to skin time last week was so important to me. The nurses tell us that its very normal for what he’s doing. They expect him to have bad days and good.  They also say he’s doing very well compared to the other babies born at his age. That’s great and all, but he should still be in my belly growing and kicking. I’m still angry that my body robbed me of a full pregnancy, but I won’t rehash what I’ve said in previous posts.

I have more good days than I do bad, just the bad ones seem to affect me the hardest. I wrote this post during one of those bad days. (I’m posting on a good day) I have access to therapists both through my insurance and in the NICU. I’m using one right now and plan to add the other one in. I’m not one to always talk about how I’m feeling, but I’m going to try my best to start. This blog serves as a form of therapy too, and I just happen to share with everybody else.

One thought on “I am not myself

  1. Demetra DeYampert

    Tianna my dear friend! Please continue to take care of yourself first! I know I have not BEEN in the same shoes that you are currently in. But you’ve with me through my years of illness & struggle. And one of the last things I said about healing from the last major surgery was I wished I would have listed and took more time off after the surgery instead of rushing back to work. Xay needs his mommy to continue to be the mighty force that she is and i’m sure he would love for you to be getting as much rest as you can. So even if it’s just one week, please think about taking time away from work to rest, let your body and mind reset and focus, and continue on this journey healthy for your beautiful son and husband! Love you!!!


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