So I guess yall are really reading my blog huh? I got a little nudge today from a reader that I’ve been ghost. Funny enough I have been trying to write for the last week, but I just wasn’t feeling it. I’m here now so let’s dive in.

The Good: As of this post Baby Xavier is 4 pounds and 11 ounces of yummy chunkiness. He’s changing everyday and I’m loving every moment. I can stand and stare at him for hours. No worries, I keep my chiropractor on call for my back lol. He’s very alert and those beautiful brown eyes are to die for. Xavier is absolutely perfect. He’s managed to get my side eye down pat and it’s hilarious! He’s no longer on a high frequency ventilator but on a conventional one. It’s so much easier to hold him (with assistance still). He loves being on his tummy and continues to break out of his swaddle so we gave him the nickname Houdini. Also, Popeye because he loves to only open one eye to check his surrounding before opening the other.

The Bad: We’ve continued to have a few setbacks. A few weeks ago he was finally diagnosed with pneumonia and treated with 10 days of antibiotics. We’ve seen his breathing drop and it was the scariest thing I have ever seen. Imagine walking into his room at 9pm at night happy to go visit your baby and seeing 4-5 nurses and doctors in his room trying to manually blow oxygen in his little lungs. When I tell you I immediately panicked and started choking so bad another nurse had to assist me. That was the 1st night Leonard and I decided not to leave the hospital and we were given one of the rooms to stay in. It was a rough night for us, but Xay pulled through. Another time I was getting ready to hold him and he was a little angry (steroids) and clenched down so hard his breathing dropped. This time they got him back on track quicker, but still I panicked. My emotions are all over the place with him. My heart aches for him when he’s showing signs of being in pain. I just feel so helpless at the time, but I continue to talk, sing, soothe him as much as possible.

The Ugly: I just haven’t been able to recover emotionally. I’m nervous every time the hospital calls with daily updates. I almost had a nervous breakdown because I was drowning in work and couldn’t concentrate. For the first time in my life, I don’t have it all together and it gives me so much anxiety. When I get overwhelmed I usually recover quickly, and right now I just haven’t. I’ve taken some extra time off work to get settled in the new house and try to relax, but how can you really relax when you have to pump every freaking 3 hours. This pump is attached to my hip at all times and I hate it. I have to keep reminding myself its for my baby. I drive at least 40 miles roundtrip everyday just to spend a couple hours with a baby I can’t bring home yet. His room is almost done, but I try not to go in there often. There’s just not enough time in the day anymore. I try to do as much as I can because I know once I sit and get comfortable, I will pass out…till it’s time to pump again.

I know everything will be ok, I just have to remind myself to take it one day at a time, but I never follow my own advice.